Actual Telephone Conversations Heard at My House #12

Um... well, shit.

Okay. Before we get to the latest in my series of phone calls with professional shitty telemarketing fundraiser Associated Community Services, I have a, uh... well, something of a painful confession to make.

Months back, probably round May or so... I may have, um... sort of... donated some money... to a telemarketing charitable fundraiser. And the fundraising organization for the charity I donated to was kind of... well... A.C. Services.

(Ohhhh, shit that hurt way more to type than I imagined it would.)

Okay, okay, okay, I completely realize that donating to a charity through A.C. Services is a woefully ill-advised thing for anyone to do, but it's especially problematic for me, a guy who has done nothing but shit on them at every opportunity. Now, before you write me off as a complete dickweed who talks out of his ass and does not practice what he preaches (let alone stick to his NO EFFING TELEMARKETERS policy), let me first explain that at the time I relented and agreed to receive a donation packet from A.C. Services, I was not yet enlightened as to the glitter-specked-shitty nature of A.C. Services as a company. See, back in May, I had yet to do the research on them as a company to learn of the minuscule amount of money that actually makes it past their administrative coffers to the charities they have been hired to raise money for. (We're talking less than 20 percent of all funds raised actually getting to any given charity they serve, minuscule.) I also had yet to see how poorly many of the charities they represent are rated on CharityNavigator.org. Beyond that, my only real defense for violating my sacred rule of accepting no telephone solicitation of any kind is that the particular charity A.C. Services was representing that day was the U.S. Armed Forces Association. As a guy with a brother-in-law in the Army who spent a couple of years in Afghanistan, not to mention a father, a father-in-law, a cousin or two, half a dozen uncles and a number of friends who have served and/or currently serve in the military, I have a soft spot in my heart for the topic. This was the only reason I agreed to allow A.C. Services to send me a donation packet so I could send them a scant $20. However, in my phone conversation with them at the time of acceptance, I stressed to them that my usual household policy for all solicitation calls is to scream "EAT A BAG OF DICKS!" into the receiver and slam the phone down. And while I was indeed giving in to them this time I wanted no next time. I told Al the ACS telemarketer to take our phone number off of their call list. He agreed to this and gave me his personal assurance that he would personally never call us again.

Months have since passed and the calls have in no way stopped even though I've now told a second Associated Community Services telemarketer to put us on their do not call list.

Guess who called last week? Yep. Al, the exact same guy from AC Services who was once again raising money for the U.S. Armed Forces Association. How do I know it was him? He told me.

AL THE TELEMARKETER-- Hello, I'm calling for JUICE.

JUICE-- This is JUICE.

AL THE TELEMARKETER-- Hi there, Mr. AARON. I'm Al calling from AC Services. We spoke a while back when you donated $20 to the U.S. Armed Forces Association fund. How are you?

JUICE-- (Chills of horror run down spine as I realize that I actually did what he's describing) OkaaaaAY.

AL THE TELEMARKETER-- Now I know we said we'd cut back on the calls to you, because I know you guys like your privacy, and you've not had any calls, right?

JUICE-- Actually, Al, we've had more calls from AC Services than ever before.

AL THE TELEMARKETER-- Uh, oh. Well, um... Listen, the reason I'm calling today is because you were so generous with your donation to the U.S. Armed Forces Association fund before, and I know the people of BORDERLAND know you to be a good and charitable giver, so I was just--

JUICE-- Al, I have to let you know, not only do we once again NEVER accept telephone solicitation of any kind in this household, but we do NOT do business with AC Services. At all. I am now well aware of the small amount of funding that actually gets to any of the charities you represent and I don't like it. Therefore, AC Services is officially on my Do-not-donate-to list.

Al didn't have much to say after that.

I was so mad I went and dug up a few more more links to sites detailing the asshattery of AC Services and many of the "charities" that they serve.

Charity Navigator Blog
Practicalist
Tampa Bay Times

So let the word ring out once, our policy of no telephone solicitation is again firmly in place. So all of you legitimate charities out there can thank AC Services for being a bunch of lying assholes who have ruined it for you all. I'll still donate to charities, mind, but it won't be over the phone. In fact, I have now made an online donation of $10 to CharityNavigator.org. Seems to me off all the nonprofits I've heard about due to AC Services, Charity Navigator are the only ones who come close to doing the Lord's work.

Actual Telephone Conversations Heard at My House #11

(The latest and hopefully final chapter in the ongoing telemarketing conversation saga between me and Associated Community Services.)

*RING*

ME-- Hello?

DEBBIE-- Hello JUICE?

ME-- Yes.

DEBBIE-- Hi, this is Debbie calling. How are you today?

ME-- Okaaaay.

DEBBIE-- I work for AC Services. We do fundraising on behalf of the Children's Cancer Fund of America. You know... we're the people who get the cancer medicines to the children in need.

ME-- Yes, Debbie. I am familiar with AC Services. I've actually done the research and it would seem that a lot of the funds AC Services raises does not actually make it to the charities you're fundraising for.

(Not even the slightest of pauses.)

DEBBIE-- Would you like to speak with someone about this?

ME-- No. Actually, what I would like is for you to put my name on your do not call list.

DEBBIE-- We can do that, sir. You have a nice day.

ME-- You as well.

Actual Telephone Conversations Heard at My House #10

*RING*

I look at the caller ID and see it is a number from Utah. I suspect it might be a telemarketer, but I also have a client who I think is from Utah, or maybe New Mexico, so I decide to answer against my best judgment.

ME-- Hello?

CALLER-- Hi this is Erica with Dish Services. We’re just calling today to let you know about a special Dish Network promotion.

ME-- All right.

CALLER-- Do you have DirecTV or another satellite service?

ME-- Actually, I have Dish Network.

(Pause)

CALLER-- Uh… okay. Well… Thank you for being a loyal customer, then.

ME-- You’re welcome.

CALLER-- Have a nice day.

ME-- You too.

Actual Semi-Paraphrased Telephone Conversations Heard at My House #9

(I know I'm about to sound like a colossal asshole, but there is a point at the end...)

ME: Hello?

AC SERVICES: Hi, can I speak to JUICE?

ME: This is him.

AC SERVICES: Hi, I'm Curtis with AC Services. We do fundraising on behalf of Cancer Fund of America. I was...

ME: Curtis, I need to stop you at this point to let you know we don't accept telephone solicitation of any kind at this house.

AC SERVICES: But, sir, we were just calling to confirm your mailing address as (SAYS OUR MAILING ADDRESS) so we could send out your donation card.

ME: Ummmm, I don't recall agreeing to accept a donation card in the first place.

AC SERVICES: But, sir, you do understand how this works? We send donation cards out and you send in your donation. The funds go to help cancer patients with medicine...

ME: Yes, Curtis, I do understand how this works. However, what I am saying to you is that I do not recall agreeing to accept such a card from you in the first place. I know this because we do not accept telephone solicitation of ANY kind at this house.

AC SERVICES: But, sir, we gain all of our funding through donations. This is for cancer patients...

ME: I understand that as well, but, again, we still do not accept telephone solicitation of any kind at this house.

(PAUSE)

AC SERVICES: Well, sir, may we count on your help in the future?

ME: Mmmmmmmmmmm, I think the answer to that would have to be "No."

AC SERVICES: All right, sir. God bless you. Have a nice day.


Of course, after the above exchange, I was livid.

It pisses me off to no end when telemarketing companies refuse to accept our stated refusal to take telephone solicitation. (And praise must go to the companies that do accept our refusal without hassle, because that happens about as often.) I also adore it that these companies almost always seem to think that if they're not asking for a credit card number, but instead for an agreement to a future donation, that this is somehow NOT solicitation so we should just go ahead and take it.

Now, I completely understand that getting money out of people is their job, and not taking no for an answer can be part of this tactic, but I don't have to like it nor put up with it. My wife can't understand why I don't just hang up on them immediately, but Patrick Swayze once told me that I should be nice, until it's time not to be nice, so that's my motto. The whole reason I have the no telephone solicitation policy stems from a few run ins with actual fraudulent telemarketing agencies. I realize there are legit telephone fundraising services out there, but the assholes ruined the medium for all of them in my book. As for AC Services, their tactic of playing the guilt-card to try and solicit donations is unacceptable and has now permanently secured them a titanium bolted place on my shit list. I have had many MANY cancer-sufferers in my family, including my step-mother, who's several years in remission, and an aunt who recently died due to pancreatic cancer. I do support charities that assist cancer patients. However, I will NEVER do so through telemarketers, and if I ever receive another call from AC Services they will count themselves lucky they are in another state.

Why so? Take a look around. CharityNavigator.org is a site that rates charities and offers a forum to discuss them. Cancer Fund of America does not receive a very good rating as a charity to begin with and their fundraising service choice of Associated Community Services seems to sound alarm bells in their forum about CFA. It would seem that most of the money AC Services raises goes to AC Services and not cancer patients. So they can go fornicate themselves with a hot wire brush coated in cat shit, as far as I'm concerned.

If you work for a telemarketing call center, believe me I feel your pain. Sometimes it's the only work around. Just don't call my house. And if you do, please take me at my word on the first try. Do me the courtesy of allowing me to remain nice.

Actual Semi-Paraphrased Conversations Heard on CNN last night #8 (a.k.a. why interrupting on a satellite delay makes for shitty news coverage)

(This conversation is paraphrased, as I couldn't find a video clip of it, but the gist of this did occur on my TV last night as I watched CNN coverage of the Libya bombing.)

CNN ANCHOR DON LEMON-- We interrupt our Japan coverage to now go to Nic Robertson who is in Tripoli. Nic what is the situation on the ground there?

REPORTER NIC ROBERTSON-- (ENORMOUS PAUSE FOR SATELLITE DELAY. A STILL PICTURE OF NIC ROBERTSON IS ON THE SCREEN RATHER THAN VIDEO FOOTAGE, PRESUMABLY BECAUSE HE WAS TAKING COVER IN A SAFE LOCATION) Don, a few moments ago, we began to hear the sound of anti-aircraft fire outside. I don't know if you can hear it now, but there is some in the background at the moment. The anti-aircraft fire seemed to occur as a result of--

DON LEMON-- (INTERRUPTING) Nic... Nic... Nic...

NIC ROBERTSON-- some explosions that occurred elsewhere in the city.

DON LEMON-- Nic... Nic... If you could just...

NIC ROBERTSON-- Two large expl... (FINALLY HEARS DON INTERRUPTING AND PAUSES)

DON LEMON-- Nic... Nic... If you could just be quiet for a second, so we could hear the gunfire.

NIC ROBERTSON-- (ENORMOUS SATELLITE DELAY) Um... All right. Uh... Let me see if I can move a little...

DON LEMON-- Yes, Nic. Please do so.

NIC ROBERTSON-- ...closer to the window, so you might be able to-- (HEARS DON)

DON LEMON-- Yes, Nic. If you could just be quiet for a second, we might be able to hear the gunfire.

NIC ROBERTSON-- (ENORMOUS SATELLITE DELAY) Um... yes. All right.

(PROTRACTED PERIOD OF SILENCE WITH THE BARELY AUDIBLE SOUND OF TINY POPS IN THE DISTANCE)

NIC ROBERTSON-- As I was saying...


Dear Don Lemon: Shut up and let the reporter do his job.

Actual Telephone Conversations Heard at My House #7 (a.k.a.: Marriage Shorthand Theatre 3000)

*RING*

ME-- Hello?

WIFE-- (CALLING FROM WORK) Hey. I need to access my knowledge repository of all things moviewise.

ME-- Okay. lemme get my hat.

WIFE-- I need to know the movie with the baby with the red curly hair... It was sort of a sci fi thing... Early 90s.... Kind of with the dwarves... Sort of like Time Bandits...

ME-- Willow?

WIFE-- Yeah, that's it. Thank you. Bye.

(You don't want to face us across a Cranium board)

Actual Telephone Conversations Heard at My House #6

*RING*

ME-- (ANSWERS PHONE) Hello?

(SILENCE)

ME-- Hello?

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER-- Hello?

(PAUSE)

ME-- Hello?

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER-- Um, yeah. MR. AARON?

ME-- That's me.

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER-- Hi. This is Matt, with API.

ME-- Uh huh.

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER-- We just wanted to call to tell you we'd like to send you a $1000 online gift certificate.

ME-- I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I have a strict policy here of accepting no solicitation over the phone.

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER-- (PAUSE) Um... This isn't soliciting. (ANOTHER PAUSE) Um... what's soliciting?

ME-- Selling things over the phone.

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER-- Oh, no. We're not selling anything. I thought for a minute there you meant soliciting, like on TV shows... you know, like, with hookers.

(SILENCE AS I ALLOW THIS TO SINK IN)

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER-- Uh, hello?

ME-- Yeah, um, listen, this still sounds like something I'm not going to be interested in.

MATT THE STONER TELEMARKETER-- Oh, no, it's really great! It's...

ME-- You have a nice day, Matt.

*CLICK*

(Still not sure who API is. Maybe the American Petroleum Institute offering a bribe for a survey?)

Actual Semi-Paraphrased Telephone Conversations Heard at My House #5

THIS EVENING...

*RING*

ME-- Hello

SHITIBANK TELEMARKETER-- Hello, may I please speak to THE WIFE'S NAME?

ME-- I'm sorry, she's not here now. Can I take a message?

SHITIBANK TELEMARKETER-- No, that's okay. We can call back another time.

ME-- (SMELLING A CREDIT CARD TELEMARKETER) Can I ask what this is in regard to?

SHITIBANK TELEMARKETER-- I'm TELEMARKETER'S NAME with Shitibank and I'm just calling Shitibank Diamond Preferred Cardholders to thank them for being valued customers and--

ME-- (INTERRUPTING) Actually, we no longer have a Shitibank account. You guys dropped us a couple of weeks ago.

SHITIBANK TELEMARKETER-- Ohhhh, we dropped you? I'm so sorry. (PAUSE) Well, I can only speak with the primary account holder. I can give you a toll free phone number to call if you have any questions about this call?

ME-- No, thank you.

SHITIBANK TELEMARKETER-- You have a good evening.

ME-- You, too.

*CLICK*

And this is true. Two weeks back, we received a letter from Citibank alerting us that they were closing our account with them. This came as a bit of a shock to us, being as how there was no reason listed, beyond a general accusatory wording, as though we had somehow used our card in an unacceptable way that offended Citibank deeply. Of course, now that I think about it, I guess we had, since we carry no balance on the card and have not actually used it at all for a couple of years. They tend to favor indebtedness over at Citibank. Still, this was one of the wife's first credit cards of her life and she's had it for the better part of 20 years, with my name being on it for the past nine or so. We wondered if maybe they'd reconsider if we purchased a pack of gum with it and then forgot to pay the bill for a month or so. Nope, turned out there was fine print on our letter stating that no amount of purchasing on our part would change their minds.

That wasn't all our news from the Citi for that day, though. In that same pile of mail, we received a letter from CitiFinancial alerting us to the fact that they were raising our interest rate on a credit account we'd had with them back when we were paying for some furniture we'd purchased. Trouble is, that furniture has been paid off for nearly a year now, so as far as we were concerned we didn't HAVE any other Citi accounts beyond the credit card. Seemed odd that a credit organization would drop clients that weren't costing them any money, even if we weren't actively making them any money either. Weren't we still potential money?

I did a little research online and saw several articles about Citibank dropping customers, sometimes without bothering to inform them. Guess we were lucky, there.


TWO HOURS LATER...

*RING*

THE WIFE-- Hello?

DIFFERENT SHITIBANK TELEMARKETER-- May I speak to THE WIFE'S NAME?

THE WIFE-- This is she.

DIFFERENT SHITIBANK TELEMARKETER-- Good evening. I'm TELEMARKETER'S NAME and I'm calling Shitibank Diamond Preferred Cardholders to thank you for being a valued customer and--

THE WIFE-- (INTERRUPTING) No, I'm sorry, but you can't say we're valued customers when you dropped our account two weeks ago.

DIFFERENT SHITIBANK TELEMARKETER-- Ohhh, you canceled your account with us?

THE WIFE-- No. Shitibank canceled our account with you.

DIFFERENT SHITIBANK TELEMARKETER-- Ohhhh. (PAUSE) Well, I can give you a toll free phone number to call if you have any questions about this call?

THE WIFE-- No, that's all right.

*CLICK*

Actual Telephone Conversations Heard in My Car #4 (a.k.a. "Violating Best Intentions Already")

The HOSS-3000 is in the shop. I haven't heard the diagnosis yet, but I suspect it's CPU may have a terminal condition that may or may not be related to its liquid-cooling system being low on coolant. We'll see. Fortunately, the wife has a laptop.

While dropping HOSS off at the repair place, my cell phone rang. It was the wife. I called her back and noted that her voice sounded very sad, bordering on tears. It was exactly the tone one might expect from someone who's just been phoned and given news of the death of a beloved relative and is now passing on that news. I braced for the worst.

THE WIFE-- I have bad news.

ME-- Okay.

THE WIFE-- (Practically choking back tears) They brought in Indian food today.

ME-- Shit. I thought you were about to tell me REALLY bad news.

THE WIFE-- It is! I want some!

ME-- So eat some Indian food. It'll be okay.

THE WIFE-- You want some, too?

ME-- (Pausing to consider for approximately .2 seconds) Well, I am in the neighborhood.

THE WIFE-- See you in a sec.

Actual Telephone Conversations Heard at My House #3

*RING*

ME-- Hello?

CHARITY TELEMARKETER-- Hello, is this the residence of Mrs. AARON?

ME-- Yes. I'm afraid she's not here, right now, though. Can I take a message?

CHARITY TELEMARKETER-- May I ask who this is?

ME-- Mister AARON.

CHARITY TELEMARKETER-- Mr. AARON, I'm calling on behalf of the (INSERT CHILDREN'S CHARITY). How are you today?

ME-- Okaaaay. I do feel I need to tell you up front that we have a strict policy of not accepting telephone solicitation of any kind.

CHARITY TELEMARKETER-- We understand, sir. In these economic times, we know how difficult it is to give to every cause. But if you could help us out with a gift of $25, it would mean so much to the children. We will send you all the information you need through the mail.

ME-- (Trying to remain polite) I'm afraid we'll have to decline at this time. As I mentioned, we don't accept telephone solicitation of any kind.

CHARITY TELEMARKETER-- We understand, sir. In these economic times, we know how difficult it is to give to every cause. But if you could help us out with a gift of $25, it would mean so much to the children. We will send you...

ME-- (Amazed at the brass-balled audacity to just read the exact same card at me again. Still I remain as polite in tone as I can.) Again, we're going to decline. I've already explained to you that we don't accept telephone solicitation of any kind twice. Thank you for your time.

CHARITY TELEMARKETER-- We understand, sir. In these economic times, we know how difficult it is to give to every cause. But if you could help us out...

ME-- I'm going to hang up now.

CHARITY TELEMARKETER-- ... it would mean so much to the children.

ME-- You have a nice day.

*CLICK*

Actual Semi-Paraphrased Telephone Conversations Heard at My House #2

*RING*

ME-- Hello?

FEMALE CALLER-- Hello, is this Mr. Aaron?

ME-- Yes.

CALLER-- Hello, Mr. Aaron. I'm Cheryl, calling on behalf of the State Trooper's Association. How are you this evening?

ME-- I'm okay.

CALLER-- I'm just calling to let you know that your Thank You Packet will be in the mail to you very soon, as our way of saying thanks for your financial support of the Trooper's Association.

(I pause to consider whether the wife might have agreed to some such thing. Seems highly unlikely.)

ME-- Um... I wasn't aware that I was supporting the Trooper's Association.

CALLER-- I'm sorry?

ME-- I said, `I wasn't aware that I was supporting the State Trooper's Association.' I don't recall agreeing to any financial donations.

CALLER-- (Cheerfully) Well, I'm hoping you will right now.

(Pause)

ME-- Ahhhhhhhhh. Now I see what you're saying. Now I get it. I haven't actually agreed to any sort of financial support previously, but you phrased it like that to make it seem like I had anyway.

CALLER-- Um...

ME-- Unfortunately, Cheryl, we have a strict policy at my house to never accept telephone solicitation of any kind.

(Long pause)

CALLER-- Very well, Mr. Aaron. You have a good evening.

ME-- You have a good evening as well, Cheryl.

Actual Telephone Conversations Heard at My House (a.k.a. "Glen Frey songs you REALLY don't want to hear")

*DIALING*

*RING*
*RING*
*RING*

VET-- Borderland Veterinary Center.

ME-- Yes. My wife and I have a cat that has gone into heat and we were hoping never to have to go through this ever again. Can you help?

VET-- (Laughs) I'd say we need to get her fixed.

ME-- Indeedy. When can the spaying commence?

VET-- Well, let's give her some time to completely come out of heat, so, say... three weeks?

*SLUSHING SOUND AS ALL HOPE DRAINS FROM MY PERSON AND OUT OF MY SHOES*

Needless to say, it's kind of noisy around chez Juice with Avie Kitty officially in her very first and hopefully last session of heat. I'd really hoped to have more time before this went down, but I drug ass getting her fixed so now we have to live with it `til it subsides. While it's Avie's first heat, it's not the first time I've gone through this with another cat. In fact, I went through this several times with my old kitty, Winston, circa 1992-93.

Winston, as a young kitty, was already known for being "bad," so much so that her full given name had become Winston Churchill: The Infinitely Bad Kitty. At the time, she lived with me in my first non-parentally owned home, which I shared with three to four roommates, known as Da Crib (a name chosen for its irony, as we were all very very white). While given to genuinely inappropriate kitty behavior already (such as unauthorized trips atop the kitchen counter and strewing stole-from-the-garbage corn cobs behind the hall toilet), part of her reputation was no doubt spawned by the machinations of nature during the three heat cycles she experienced while in the house.

The first of these occurred four or five months into my residency there, and sent her into the traditional spine-shattering, sleep-rending cat-howls and repeated attempts to escape the house common to being in heat. This behavior, in turn, caused tension and loud arguments between me and my roommates, none of whom appreciated having their precious sleep disturbed by the wails of a horny cat. At the same time, I didn't want any more kitties in my life and resented the lack of care exhibited by my roommates who repeatedly let the cat out during their comings and goings. I bore even more resentment, though, to the roommates who not only let the cat out, but then didn't even make a cursory attempt to go and get her and return her to the house, in my absence. These conflicts often developed into a third category of problem, which was the loss of sleep by some of my roommates caused by the screaming argument I was having with other roommates over the above issue of resentment.

After the first "heat exchange" I resolved to get the cat fixed for the sake of keeping the peace. However, for a poor college student such as I was at the time, such kitty-cooter operations were kind of pricey and I wound up dragging heels on getting it done for a few months. Then, before I knew it, the damned cat was in heat again and all the problems and conflicts resumed. More months pass and more good intentions fall away and we repeat.

Following the third such heat session, my roommates staged an intervention and basically told me it was my ass if I didn't get her fixed, and quick. My dad, fortunately, found a two for one deal on kitty fixings, and we got Winston and her sibling (who is my sibling's cat) Cleo done at the same time. The funny thing is that during her heat sessions, Winston had been very subservient to all the other cats in the house. If she was eating from the common cat-food bowl and another roommate's cat happened along, Winston would get out of the way and let them eat. Following her surgery, though, she was much less understanding and beat the hell out of the first cat who crossed her during mealtime. You've never seen a more surprised expression on the face of a cat.

As for Avie, the way I count it, we're now on day four of the heat. Every time I think she's coming down from it, she opens up with an even louder howl that we've heard before. My memory is that Winston's sessions only lasted about a week. The vet's notation of three weeks seems like a looooong time.